I can't seem to give up worrying...

Today's reading from Richard Rohr's Wondrous Encounters: Scripture for Lent invites us into this prayer: "God, what is it that you want me to let go of this Lent?  Is it other than what I think?"

Any meditation at all on this question immediately brings me to a sort of self-check for ... well, maybe not sinfulness.  Weaknesses?  I do find myself asking what are those semi-secret vices that get in the way of faith... Television, the computer, junk reading...

But all that lovely introspection got interrupted when my daughter came downstairs to tell me about the tsunami warning.  And, of course, it being morning and me not being really fully awake yet, I panicked. 

On an intellectual level I get that the risk here is low; a simple look at the geography of Washington State tells you any waves would have lots of time to calm before finding their way to my little house on the beach.  But my emotional responses were rolling in like those waves we weren't likely to get, so I found myself insisting on driving one of my housemates in to the ferry (he usually takes his car).  Just so I could be on higher ground.  I couldn't convince my daughter or my husband to come along.

And my housemate wasn't pleased.

And of course the waves still hadn't hit the coast by the time I returned -- and there's still no sign of any shift in the waters here. 

But I am immediately reminded of a conversation with a friend earlier in the week.  "What kind of faith is this?" she asked.  "I talk about cultivating calm and peace and being centered and trusting, and yet -- at the slightest shift I go off the deep end."  Yup.  Me, too.  And it's hard not to flagellate myself for not trusting -- or at least, for not trusting the intelligent voices (including my own) that tell me I have nothing to fear.

My husband and I both remember the year I gave up worrying for Lent.  Everytime the fear started to kick in (our girls were very young at the time) I would close my eyes and picture myself wrapping up the fear and carrying it to the feet of Christ.  It actually worked wonders: 40 days of practicing that one and I was pretty much a changed person.

Umm.  Looks like I've regressed: maybe I should try that again for Lent this year...

In the meantime I need to gather up what faith and trust I do have and use it to fuel some Tonglen practice.  I think I need to do some serious praying for the people of Japan...  And it's hard not to worry what this is going to do to world economy...